(via youdeservethefuckingworld)

(via kitkatboots)

I’m better off alone

It can’t be right to be having all these doubts swarming through my mind. Like wasps rather than butterflies. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think or whether I should be falling in love of whether I should be falling with my eyes closed head first waiting for the hit but only feeling the rush in my stomach as I drop, not knowing the ground is seconds away. I feel like a caged bird.

I always wanted to be with someone but now I am and he cares so much for me. I don’t know why I feel so unsettled with him then. Maybe this is the right time to confess my ever wandering eyes and my betraying imagination. I dreamt that I kissed someone else, full and deep - like a strange release.

I want to feel the way I felt before it was official. But then we can’t expect things to stay just so and not move forward. Just because it feels good to tread water and feel like floating is easy doesn’t mean you must never swim anywhere. I don’t know what to do. I am going to leave you. I am going to end it with you and then I’m going to be alone. Somehow at this point that is what I want. I want to be left alone.

I asked someone recently if they had ever felt this way, the desire to end things and burn it all down and be alone. Then he asked me to imagine what it would be like without that person. I really don’t know. I would be single, but I don’t know if that would necessarily be a bad thing. I don’t feel lonely and isolated when I am single and happy. But at the same time I recall knowing that if it didn’t work out with this guy from my past that I wouldn’t really mind - and well, when it ended, I did really mind. More than I had minded anything in my whole life to that point. So maybe without him I would have the “don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” thing.

It is my firm belief that when you truly love someone, when you are meant to be with that person, that you must know this. That you must feel it with every fibre of your being. But then thats all mumbo jumbo fantasy film stuff and we’re in the real world here. Maybe everyone has their doubts and everyone weighs up the possibilities. Maybe people do have wandering eyes and perhaps none of us are really sure of anything.

All I know is someone broke my mind and heart when they did something as simple as changing their mind. And maybe when you do feel more sure than anything about a person and it turns into a catastrophe, it’s hard to give anyone the power of knowing, somehow knowing that they are the one you will love forever.

I feel annoyed because part of me doesn’t think it’s him being inadequate for me, but my inability to let him be enough for me.

I think if you have gone through a time where you felt like a person was absolutely everything you wanted and maybe you thought you’d be with them for a long time, and were ready to be completely vulnerable with them - if it doesn’t work out that’s gonna leave a scar. I don’t think I’d let myself think that way about any guy easily.

Maybe I’m better off alone.

I just thought I had it all. I read somewhere that sometimes people fall in love with a potential. Perhaps this is one of those experiences where your desire for something eventually destroys the value of the thing itself because you take an idea and run away with it for a lifetime - and when the idea comes to light and he’s real and standing in front of you, you realise that you put your life on hold for exactly what he is: just a man. Just a man with thoughts and feelings and imperfections. A relationship with another human - who is only really that.
Maybe there is no Armageddon and it’s all in my mind. These fireworks, the passion and the swell in my chest, the heavy heartbeat and the songs that fall into place in my mind at just the right time are really just my own design, love is simply normal and everything else is powered by my imagination.

At times where there were too many things running through my mind I just wanted someone to hold me, take care of me and convince me that no matter what, everything will be ok. Now I just want to be alone with my thoughts and meditate until I fall asleep and wake up alone in my bed and not think about anything. I just want to be on autopilot.

This is the cycle. You broke my heart because someone broke yours. And with my fall from grace, your ascent into normality took place, you wretched, selfish son of a bitch. And now after you left your poison in my heart the bitterness seeps out of my eyes when I look at him, from my mouth when I say things I know will hurt him. You have robbed me of my innocent ability to love freely and run away with my ideas of true love and soul mates. Because of you I can’t let him in. And as fate would have it I have to see you and her holding hands at the train station waiting for my train.

He doesn’t give me the highs I knew to feel from the very idea of your presence.

The logical part of me thinks that at the time my former broke up with me I was in a deeply disturbed state anyway, not to mention the underlying unbalances that were floating around in the depths of my mind. It makes sense to assume that the highs I felt with him were related to my general lack of control over my emotions at the time, whether they were high or now. But times up now and you’re gone and he’s fucked and I’m medicated and I just want to go home.

But here we go, I’m going to visit you tomorrow and kiss you while my heart cracks just a little more and hide how I’m feeling because I couldn’t explain it to you even if I wanted to.  Perhaps I should go back to the drawing board and get a new guy. And try hard to get close to him and leave him and run away when it becomes too difficult and I remember how I loved without question once, and only once.

I shouldn’t ask so much of you, or expect you to make me feel like I’m on top of the world. I shouldn’t expect that the feeling of flying always remains and that even when you have been with someone for a long time you still feel obsessed with them the way. I shouldn’t expect any relationships to reach the standard I created from having an unhealthy high from a man who couldn’t be with me but made me believe it anyway. I shouldn’t expect my darling to make me go through such highs. But I damn well wish he could sometimes. When you stop being ferociously unhappy and start living a true life, you forget what it meant to recognise happiness as being born again. I wish I didn’t miss that sickening and dangerous high. I wish I didn’t miss that feeling.

Maybe I’m better off alone.

(via youdeservethefuckingworld)

(via katelizabeth)

I feel like walking. Walking far away alone with nothing but my thoughts and the sun on my back. Walking with no destination, just with the intention to return some time with a clear mind and a light heart. Since I have made friends with myself I have found it peaceful to be alone, without headphones, understanding and sensing things around me and wanting to take in everything at once. I’m impatient.

Do people sense when one side of their brain isn’t getting enough stimulation? Maybe people fail to be happy at times because they are out of balance, out of sync with things. From an academic perspective maybe people are stimulating the logical, left hemisphere so much that they forget the body’s inherent need to create - to be inspired. I wonder if the opposite is true as well but for some reason a part of me thinks that people with dominant right brains would find it offensive if I even suggested they needed to have more intellectual, rational stuff in their lives and minds in order to help them achieve a better balance. Maybe society has raised us to associate left-brainers to be cleverer, higher achievers and better intellectuals just because the easiest way to move up in society is to massage this part of the brain and make the best of it. I wonder if right-brains would be offended if they were encouraged to better themselves intellectually. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so quick to judge though - maybe everyone, me included, needs a little more balance in his or her life.

I never realised I had to put away all my fantasies before my realities could reveal themselves. Have I ever told you just how lovely you are? I don’t think I will have the courage to tell you about the smile that plays around my face, squirming up and down and trying to straighten itself out when I know you are getting closer to me, when we are closer to being united.

I don’t really think you’re my strength. But I know you’re my man, and I’m your woman - and for the moment I think that is fine because I am strong in my own right.

People don’t care. No one cares if you’re sad, and even less people care if you’re happy. I have finally realised and understood this. Sharing may be my specialty, whether it is joy or pain or food (I love to eat together and share food - the nicest part is giving someone else the bigger piece, the first slice, the first taste - somehow the meal is more filling when I make sure the person with me has the better share) - but I have come to realise that my failures, and indeed my successes, are not that important in the grand scheme of things. Not to my loved ones or to the world around me. Maybe I used to imagine that the whole world would smile with me when I smiled, in contrast to the way life just moved swiftly forward when I was in my despair. But I was wrong. The world spins madly on its axis with unfailing conviction and nobody cares whether that look on my face is a smile or a frown - whether I’m laughing or crying. It just doesn’t matter. It was only when someone close to me said something to that effect that I realised the insignificance of my feelings. Instead of releasing me from the prison I had built in my mind, it made me feel very small when I wanted to feel big and important. I am ashamed to admit this but it is a long time coming - I really sometimes wished that people cared when I was unhappy - that people would celebrate that I am happy now. I used to wish that people would genuinely smile to see me smiling, and recognise what I felt was a huge achievement. Maybe I still feel that way now. I am ashamed to admit that I wanted to feel important, that I wanted to return to university and have people greet me and feel happy to see me healthy. It’s sad when even in the correct frame of mind you learn that no one really cares, that it’s true the world is cold and cruel. If I died right now, the world would not stop. Maybe deep down I wanted to feel like the people who saw me every day would feel sad that I had gone into such a terrible state, and rejoice when I returned. Maybe I wanted to feel like they wanted me back. Maybe I’m a spoilt brat with a bad attitude. Everything keeps moving. Nothing ever stops. The world is too big for such a small person to make any real difference. I wanted to be important. Maybe I still do. I feel so ashamed.

And yet I find myself waking up every day still surprised about how pleased I feel that I am awake and alive and here. That the world is still spinning and I’m still dancing and my mother is still teasing my father over the breakfast table. Even though I know deep down when I think about it, that my personal achievements will probably only ever be my own, that no one will truly ever care that I fought through my own Armageddon and lived to tell the tale - I still know that these achievements are there, I am still thankful that the world is still here and that I am healthy enough to feel things around me and understand how beautiful life can be. I am humbled and taken aback by how many things I didn’t see when all I was doing was looking inside myself with the deepest loathing. Things are so much prettier when you look at them with fresh eyes and an open heart. I never realised how good it is to sleep at night when I am tired and wake up refreshed. I never realised how nice it is to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day. I don’t want to grieve over the fact that my ascent to happiness will probably only ever be my own - but I want to learn to accept it and understand that the world is so vast and I’m so small in comparison, that it doesn’t really matter. Nothing really matters, only in a good way (this time around).

I wonder if other people in relationships secretly wonder what it would be like for them if they were single. If they would still attract people, if they would be flirtatious, back to their original ways, or new and changed because of the impact of their significant other. I would like to think I would make better decisions with men, but a small part of me knows that my love life seems to be strongly influenced by the manner and situation surrounding the last relationship. I wonder if other people are so easily influenced by their previous relationships or do they maintain a stronger sense of composure in terms of the shape of their personality in the great game of relationships and love.

My mother was pregnant at my age. Right now, I can hardly take care of myself. She was married and pregnant with me. When she was at the stage I am now, I was growing and unborn and innocent. I can’t imagine currently being able to support or raise a child. The sad truth is I don’t have the time or money. The even sadder truth is I’m still growing up myself - and as self-centred as it might sound, I need to finish growing and imagining and evolving before I take the immense responsibility of bringing life into the world. It seemed like such a simple concept when I was younger - a mother, a father, and some children. Maybe we never stop growing. Maybe our children re-define us all over again and we change every minute for the rest of our lives. My father says “these things all have a way of falling into place”. I like to take that statement and read it in the simplest context - maybe life really is like that.

Now that we are entering our twenties, the inevitable marriage and children stage has begun and people are giving birth around me. A girl my age has just had a son. I miss my brother. Not a day goes by, not one single day where I don’t think about it. But that is not the point. The point is… sometimes people have a way of making me feel that the finish line is real, that when you fall in love you really do dance together and life really does fall into place. That when you realise that you truly love someone, and you trust and care and understand each other enough to give them your heart and soul, that the feeling of knowing that they are your Armageddon and your sunrise feels like opening your eyes for the first time to just how beautiful everything really is and will be. I feel sad because hearing about people who are so happy together reminds me how I try to hold my man at an arm’s length and constantly remind myself that the best way to get hurt is to give up your heart to someone who doesn’t want it. I remember how I learnt from experience not to give my heart away but instead restrain it to my chest with bolts and avoidance and missed phone calls and long, quiet glances away from your gaze. I can’t let myself love you fully because the first and last time I felt my heart shake and my soul move was all a lie. And I hate lies more than anything else.

I want to be free of everything and just fly. I want to float with no strings attached and do as I please. I don’t know why I feel I can’t do that right now.

Something is happening inside my mind and I know I’m damned.

(via loveyourchaos)

I looked through pictures of you today. My stomach stayed still and my heart didn’t stop. Your eyes didn’t look the way I want the colour of the sky to be. I no longer love you. I no longer long for you to fill up my heart and head with your energy and your presence. I no longer need you and someday my memories of you will start to fade into irrelevance. No, I’m a liar – you will never be irrelevant, it has always been all or nothing. I only ever wanted everything from you.

I don’t need a friend. I have everyone around me and I have a future to look forward to. My faith has been restored now in so many things and my greatest need is no longer to hear the sound of your breath trying to synchronise with mine as you lay across from me, behind me, protecting me. I no longer need your strength.

I will be fine on my own. I am sobered from you. The experience took me higher than I have ever known to exist and lower than the worst depths of hell. When you entered the room you used to fill it up. Now you’re just a huge empty body and I deny you permission to have an effect on me anymore. I don’t need you. I don’t want you.

The dreams I made for us no longer exist as a salient feature in my life.

I wonder if I will think of you when I grow old, when I marry, when I have my first child. I wonder if I will remember that once something happened to me that shattered everything and pushed me to grow into the person I am today. I wonder if I will remember the pain I felt when you took the power I gave you and destroyed me completely. I wonder if I will remember how your eyes made me feel, and how you filled up the room. I wonder if I you will still be important to me in years to come, when I someday learn to be vulnerable once more. I wonder if I will remember you when I learn to love again.

I would have gone anywhere with you – now I don’t remember how it feels to raise someone so highly above anything else in the world. There’s someone new in my life, and he makes me feel valued. He doesn’t give me worth the way I needed you to, but he never ceases to remind me I am special. He is a million times the man I wanted you to be.

It’s so strange to think that one day I kissed you and the song I want at my wedding burst into my ears like flowers budding and shooting stars and whispers of dreams of us living the rest of our lives together, running towards and finish line and a world tinted with roses. It is so strange that I honoured an empty vessel.

Once upon a time I was a girl, and you were my man, and I promised myself I would leave pennies everywhere for you to find, so that you could pick them up and have good luck. I wanted to nestle my head between your shoulders and teach you that being vulnerable is okay when you lie with someone who truly loves you for who you are.

I just wish you hadn’t left your damn mark on me and that you didn’t fill up the whole damn room with shivers down my spine every time you enter my field of vision.

(via rosettes)